I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
