Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
