When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
