I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Randomize
