Where are you?
In a non slutty way
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
