Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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