you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
