matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
