Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
