hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I think im going to throw up on grandma
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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