I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
