Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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