I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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