We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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