You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
