Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
