Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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