her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
