It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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