I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
