You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
He? As in you personified your dick?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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