No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
