we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
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We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
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I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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