Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
