I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
