stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
