I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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