im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
