I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
