tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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