I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
