Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
