I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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