help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
