But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
