All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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