sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
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