he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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