I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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