my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
