you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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