This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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