it's too hot outside to masturbate.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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