i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
