FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
