hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
