I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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