The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
