Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
