Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Randomize
