Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
We need a shit load of segways right now
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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