i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
