he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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